Camp: Day One

Well. After a crazy two weeks of replanning and replanning and trying to get things to "work out" we are finally here at camp and well into our first day of High School Music Week. Here is a brief recap of the last 24 hours:

Just an hour after camp started last night, we had our very first choir rehearsal. It is always amazing to me to hear 75 kids who may or may not have any musical training/experience and who have never had the opportunity to sing together actually sing together for the first time. This group is incredible. They have such energy and they are already finding a wonderful blend. Everyone seems to be making an effort and even the kids who are not "into" singing are giving it their all. You can't ask for much more than that!

We had a wonderful service last night which touched on being TRANSFORMED into the image of God. Being changed isn't good enough. I think these kids really listened to what was being said and actually started thinking about what was necessary for such a transformation to take place.

Variety Time on the first night is always a little iffy. No one has had the opportunity to get comfortable yet and we aren't quite ready to show off, but we still had a great time. We introduced a few videos to the kids (Check out youtube for Miranda Sings and the comedy stylings of Tim Hawkins), got to listen to Karl sing an original piece which was very special, and enjoyed a skit by Bryson City's own John Thomas White and Rachel Kolodski - with cameo appearance by Amy Leatherwood. Finally, we heard a moving testimony from a very brave young girl that was the perfect way to end the evening.

The most amazing part of the day came at 10:45 - Lights Out cabin check. Marty checked the boys' cabins while Sarai and I headed to the girls'. At 10:45 on the very first night, every light was out, every body was in bed, and there were very few noises to speak of. Now, I'm not sure I want to know what happened after cabin check was over, but it at least started in the right way!

This group of kids has taken no time at all to really gel as a family. They have an amazing sense of humor, a desire to learn, and are all here to have the best camp experience possible. I'm excited to spend the rest of the week with them!

This is not to say that the last 24 hours have been without problems. We have had a few, but nothing major and I am most thankful for that! Keep us in your prayers and I'll keep updating as I can!!

Steps 2-- A LOT!

I have gotten frustrated in the past because there isn't a gym nearby and I've used that as an excuse to NOT workout anywhere. Yeah. Whatever. I work right next to WCU's campus. I pass the Smokey Mountain High School track TWICE a day. I also now have a nice gym less than 10 miles from my house that I could use. So the REAL deal is that I am totally mortified at the thought of other people seeing my feeble attempt to haul my large hiney into the gym to workout! While it isn't much, I do enjoy walking and walking is a heck of a lot better than doing nothing! So I'm making an effort! My PLAN was to get up and walk at the track BEFORE school this week. Well, yesterday was too cold and this morning I OVERSLEPT! But yesterday I discovered that walking around the picnic area of Deep Creek three times is exactly a mile and it is GORGEOUS! So yesterday after our last sign language class and before choir practice, I walked at Deep Creek while listening to some FABULOUS music and looking at the gorgeous park. Today, I hope to do the same before our 24/7 Meeting at church. They may be baby steps...but they still get you somewhere!

Step One

Well, I'm taking charge and making changes. In just a few hours I will be going to church to teach Sign Language Class. This is something I used to love to do. It got to be an extension of my school day when it stopped being an adult/older youth class and became a middle school class. I dread it every Wednesday. I don't enter into this class with an attitude of service or love or patience or anything that I should. I didn't feel God telling me to start this class again. I was much happier when I ended it the first time. I was cajoled into starting it by a few people (parents mostly) and am now miserable because I know it isn't what I am supposed to be doing. So tonight, I am announcing that this will be our last class. When God tells me to start it back, I will be glad to do so! And hopefully He will tell me to start an ADULT ONLY class. (Not that I am trying to tell God what to do!!)

So....pray for me as I go do something I hate to do: let other people down. It's just something that has to change.

Deep Breaths

Do you remember being a little kid and holding your breath underwater until you just felt like your lungs were going to burst? The best feeling in the world was that first gulp of air as you broke the surface of the water. It was THAT breath of air that was going to keep you alive. It was that breath that saved you.

I'm taking that first gulp of air today. I'm doing something I never get to do while I'm at home. I'm just taking time. I've walked a mile. I've had an adult conversation. I'm drinking coffee and reading and writing and breathing. I am very aware that I cannot get up every Monday morning and go sit in a coffee shop. Well. I could. But they would eventually turn off my power, my phone, my heat, take away my car and my house. This is not a possibility. BUT. There has to be a way to be able to do the things I MUST do and still make time for me. I know some people who are always talking about ME TIME and sometimes I think about how ridiculous or selfish they are. And maybe some of them DO want more ME TIME than they "deserve", but for the most part, I think my criticism is born out of jealousy.

I think I am at a time in my life where I am so busy being trying to be what everyone else needs me to be, that I have completely lost ME. If I don't get some ME time soon, I'm afraid I'll be lost forever. I don’t want that to happen. I cannot be the person I am supposed to be when I don’t even know me. I am so tired of spending 12-15 hours a day at school, but I don’t know how to do everything I am supposed to do in the time I am given. In the seven hours that I am in school with children not only do I not have time for the grading, planning, and paperwork, but I am creating more work with every student I work with and every lesson I teach. There is no time during the school day to get caught up and getting ahead is laughable. Leaving school, I need to do things for my own home; cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, redoing the kitchen like I have been literally planning for 6 years. There is no time for that. When I go home I am still working on school stuff or talking to “friends” who only call to tell me their problems and let me help them out of the mess they have gotten themselves in and never ask about my life. (Not that I’m bitter.)

I cannot quit my job. I like eating and having electricity too much. I don’t know how to “get rid” of those people who suck the very life force out of me without feeling guilty that I’m letting someone down or not being a good friend. I don’t do any of those things that I enjoy doing anymore. I read very little. I had been watching movies as my own personal therapy and something that I like to do, but even that has come to a standstill. I don’t even write anymore and that is something that I never thought I would quit doing. It’s something that I need to do. It’s an outlet that I need and I am feeling lost without it.

Being here and away from all the cumbersome things in life, I can see how lost I have become and how miserable I am. I am unhappy at work. I am unhappy at home. I’m not healthy. I am not happy. Now the real question is this: do I need to change me? OR do I need to change the variables around me – my job, my home. Maybe it is time for a move. Maybe it is time for a job change. Maybe it is time for a career change.

I do not plan on having knee-jerk reactions or making irrevocable decisions that are not well-thought or well-prayed out, but I do feel like it is time for many things to change. I need to take my life back from all of these things that have taken it from me and give back to the only One who knows what to do with it!

I am very thankful for the few days I have taken to get away from it all in order to really listen and look and see what needs to happen. I am thankful for safe places to make that discovery in and safe friends to make that discovery with. I cannot tell you what will happen next, but I am predicting big changes. And maybe those are only changes that I will be able to see, but just this once, it kind of has to be all about me. All about me…not in a selfish, thoughtless way, but in a self-preserving, healthy way.

I am going to do what I can do that is best for the children in my classroom, and then I’m going to let it go. I am not a miracle worker and working more hours will not turn me into one. I’m going to make my home a place I want to spend time. I am going to get lost in books that I enjoy. I am going to movies and be scared or laugh or cry. I am going to start a new journal and remember what it is like to sort through thoughts and decisions and situations clearly. I am going to make healthy decisions regarding food I eat, times I sleep, and the activities I sign myself up for. I am going to say No to others more and say Yes to things that will benefit my life. I am no longer going to see how many things I can cram into a certain time frame, but instead, see how much time I can free up during those same frames. I am not going to feel like my self-worth is directly linked to my calendar or the things I have marked off my To-Do list. I am going to answer the phone when my FRIENDS call and let other “friends” leave messages. (If you ever have to leave a message on my phone, please don’t think you have fallen into a “friend” category. My “friends” don’t read this blog. That would be the same as asking about ME.) I am going to make the time for some quality time with God. I have given Him the time…I’m just not sure about the quality lately. That needs to change FIRST.

Now, these are all easy things to say as I am sitting in a coffee shop with nothing else to do today besides pick up my favorite 4th grader from school and go to tea. I am praying for some resolve to make these things happen when I get home and back to my real life. Maybe as I drive through Virginia for 7 hours tomorrow I can find that resolve I’m looking for!

Something New

Well, it's a new year and I don't feel all that new. I'm a little uncertain of what this year holds. (I guess that means I've lost the crystal ball that told me of my future in years past. Geez.) I guess what I mean is I'm looking some severe education burnout right in the face and I'm not sure what steps will be necessary to remedy it! I don't feel that my calling has changed. I feel that what I'm being asked to do in my job has changed. I'm not so sure the two match each other any more so it may be time to do a little less complaining and a little more reflection.

I used to make only resolutions that I knew I could keep: This year I will gain 10 pounds, not start smoking, and work too much! That way I was a success at the end of the year. Last year, I got rid of a great amount of clutter in my house. This year I would like to get rid of a different kind of clutter. I want to get rid of the things that make me unhealthy. I want to get rid of the unnecessary expenses that make me ...less wealthy. And most importantly, I want to get rid of the things that are pulling my focus away from God. This is not going to be a year of starting new things, but a year of quitting the old! This year I'm gonna be a quitter!!!