Deep Breaths

Do you remember being a little kid and holding your breath underwater until you just felt like your lungs were going to burst? The best feeling in the world was that first gulp of air as you broke the surface of the water. It was THAT breath of air that was going to keep you alive. It was that breath that saved you.

I'm taking that first gulp of air today. I'm doing something I never get to do while I'm at home. I'm just taking time. I've walked a mile. I've had an adult conversation. I'm drinking coffee and reading and writing and breathing. I am very aware that I cannot get up every Monday morning and go sit in a coffee shop. Well. I could. But they would eventually turn off my power, my phone, my heat, take away my car and my house. This is not a possibility. BUT. There has to be a way to be able to do the things I MUST do and still make time for me. I know some people who are always talking about ME TIME and sometimes I think about how ridiculous or selfish they are. And maybe some of them DO want more ME TIME than they "deserve", but for the most part, I think my criticism is born out of jealousy.

I think I am at a time in my life where I am so busy being trying to be what everyone else needs me to be, that I have completely lost ME. If I don't get some ME time soon, I'm afraid I'll be lost forever. I don’t want that to happen. I cannot be the person I am supposed to be when I don’t even know me. I am so tired of spending 12-15 hours a day at school, but I don’t know how to do everything I am supposed to do in the time I am given. In the seven hours that I am in school with children not only do I not have time for the grading, planning, and paperwork, but I am creating more work with every student I work with and every lesson I teach. There is no time during the school day to get caught up and getting ahead is laughable. Leaving school, I need to do things for my own home; cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, redoing the kitchen like I have been literally planning for 6 years. There is no time for that. When I go home I am still working on school stuff or talking to “friends” who only call to tell me their problems and let me help them out of the mess they have gotten themselves in and never ask about my life. (Not that I’m bitter.)

I cannot quit my job. I like eating and having electricity too much. I don’t know how to “get rid” of those people who suck the very life force out of me without feeling guilty that I’m letting someone down or not being a good friend. I don’t do any of those things that I enjoy doing anymore. I read very little. I had been watching movies as my own personal therapy and something that I like to do, but even that has come to a standstill. I don’t even write anymore and that is something that I never thought I would quit doing. It’s something that I need to do. It’s an outlet that I need and I am feeling lost without it.

Being here and away from all the cumbersome things in life, I can see how lost I have become and how miserable I am. I am unhappy at work. I am unhappy at home. I’m not healthy. I am not happy. Now the real question is this: do I need to change me? OR do I need to change the variables around me – my job, my home. Maybe it is time for a move. Maybe it is time for a job change. Maybe it is time for a career change.

I do not plan on having knee-jerk reactions or making irrevocable decisions that are not well-thought or well-prayed out, but I do feel like it is time for many things to change. I need to take my life back from all of these things that have taken it from me and give back to the only One who knows what to do with it!

I am very thankful for the few days I have taken to get away from it all in order to really listen and look and see what needs to happen. I am thankful for safe places to make that discovery in and safe friends to make that discovery with. I cannot tell you what will happen next, but I am predicting big changes. And maybe those are only changes that I will be able to see, but just this once, it kind of has to be all about me. All about me…not in a selfish, thoughtless way, but in a self-preserving, healthy way.

I am going to do what I can do that is best for the children in my classroom, and then I’m going to let it go. I am not a miracle worker and working more hours will not turn me into one. I’m going to make my home a place I want to spend time. I am going to get lost in books that I enjoy. I am going to movies and be scared or laugh or cry. I am going to start a new journal and remember what it is like to sort through thoughts and decisions and situations clearly. I am going to make healthy decisions regarding food I eat, times I sleep, and the activities I sign myself up for. I am going to say No to others more and say Yes to things that will benefit my life. I am no longer going to see how many things I can cram into a certain time frame, but instead, see how much time I can free up during those same frames. I am not going to feel like my self-worth is directly linked to my calendar or the things I have marked off my To-Do list. I am going to answer the phone when my FRIENDS call and let other “friends” leave messages. (If you ever have to leave a message on my phone, please don’t think you have fallen into a “friend” category. My “friends” don’t read this blog. That would be the same as asking about ME.) I am going to make the time for some quality time with God. I have given Him the time…I’m just not sure about the quality lately. That needs to change FIRST.

Now, these are all easy things to say as I am sitting in a coffee shop with nothing else to do today besides pick up my favorite 4th grader from school and go to tea. I am praying for some resolve to make these things happen when I get home and back to my real life. Maybe as I drive through Virginia for 7 hours tomorrow I can find that resolve I’m looking for!